Friday, March 27, 2015


I'm just into the 4th year of my personal endeavor into blogging, and I still haven't done a post about why I'm doing this and what I want to get out of it, so here it goes.

I started this blog in November 2010 with a simple purpose, to explain what infantilism means to me by way of personal experiences and stories. Back then, figuring out why I am the way I am was very important. I would spend countless hours researching ABs and DLs and infantilism. I would watch every video I could find about the subject, from Jerry Springer to the Secret Lives of Women, which is an good program about a little girl and fellow blogger Baby Ella. I even used that video to help explain all of this to my now wife.

As time went on I found it less important to figure out why I am the way I am, as if I was a broken person. Trying to figure that out implies that there is a normal way to be, and I was not it. I think there's anything but normal people out there. Everyone has weird things they enjoy, mine just happen to be a little less mainstream than most people. 

So I started this yeas ago to basically find myself, now what? Well my personal goal for this blog has morphed over the years. I wanted to help people. I started talking with some of my readers who were having a hard time coping with this side of them. I was trying to make a name for myself. When my wife entered boot camp I stopped writing. I was able to put up a few posts here and there, mostly stuff I pre-wrote, but I lost my motivation. I was actually deep in some serious depression, to the point that participating in my blog, the thing that brought me a lot of happiness, was too much. I eventually got back to writing, but it has never been the same. 

Now that I have 2 kids and a busy job, it's a different story. My main reason for big breaks in my writing is a lack of time. Computer related things that I used to do at home, have to be squeezed into my last bits of free time at work, and blogging has taken a back seat. I miss it though. The amount of responses I've gotten back from people who read my previous post, and first post since November, has been amazing. You guys make me want to continue writing. I love being part of this community, and I wish I could do more. In fact, there's lots of things I wish I could do now, but being a good father is tops. So if I have a few more long breaks in writing, it's not that I'm leaving you all, it's just that I'm trying to be the best dad I can be, and that's more important to me than anything in the world.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

a little american dream

I love my parents and extended family, I really do, but lay off the politics already. I'm not going to delve into their political views, or even mine, but why can't I ever see them without getting into a debate I don't want to be in.

So yeah, if you haven't guessed it yet, my family and I flew home to New England for vacation. 

It's funny how, since we currently live in San Diego, the first question most people ask is, how cold was it? 

Yes it was very cold.

They then proceed to tell me how people who live there are crazy. But, to be honest, I miss it back home. Sure the San Diego climate is fairly stable and mostly mild, but I miss weather patterns. I miss seasons, and rain, and the smell of cold. I may hate the cold, but there's something special about snow. Standing outside in the silence of a gentile snow fall is calming and beautiful. Every time we go back home for a visit, I wish I lived there. I'd even live half a days drive north in Maine, where some of my family lives. It may be cold, and an hour from the nearest small city, but it's beautiful.

I joke with people from San Diego that you guys don't have trees down here. The immediate reaction is, Of course we have trees! I usually pull up a satellite photo of the area I grew up in and show them how we cut holes in the forest to fit houses. That always garners a response of, wow that's a lot of trees. SoCal is beautiful in its own right, but I miss that small town New England, windy tree lines streets kind of beauty.

I sometimes wonder how my position would change if we weren't alone out here. Family is very important to me, so if I had family living out here, maybe I would feel different about the situation. But, in the end, I want my kids to grow up around family as I did. I want them to know their cousins, when my sister has kids, and their second cousins, who are about their age. I want to go to big family parties and be the adult hanging out watching the younger kids running around for hours.

I want the American dream, and I know how difficult that is.