Friday, December 9, 2011

an open letter

The following is a letter I sent to my friend who I, over Thanksgiving, told about being a DL.

I needed to email you to apologize again for keeping a major part of me secret from you for so long. It was very hard for me to not share it and it was incredibly difficult and down right scary to share it, which I'm sure you could tell. Obviously it's not "normal" and it is rather weird, especially if you don't know anything about it, but I am so happy and incredibly fortunate to have found not only a wife but a best friend who is accepting, even if mildly. I'm sure you understand to a certain degree that what held me back the most was a fear that whomever I told would look differently on me; that they wouldn't see me as the same person anymore and look down upon me because of it. If you do I understand, but I hope you can see me as the same person you met 9 years ago.
The way I look at it is that my personality is because of my fetish. I'll go to a gay club and dance with men because of my personality. I told you before that I have been writing a blog for over a year and it has helped me to figure out things about myself recently that I never new or thought about before. I recently came to the realization that I have what I like to call my dark passenger...kidding (Dexter joke) anyway, I do feel like I have an inner 6 year old (6 being how old I was when I discovered I had this fetish but roughly 6 years before I knew the name of it) that keeps me from being a stereotypical macho guy and allows me to have a fun loving personality. The same personality that allowed me to play with trains with you in the mall the day we met. Show me another straight guy who's done that with you! I'm hoping I'm the only one or I'll have to figure out another example...
What I'm getting at here is that I hope you can think of this as an explanation of why I am the way I am and not a new person or part of me you have to get to know. I'm not going to magically change to a different person so you don't have to worry about that, and I'm not going to wear diapers in front of you either. That is a very personal thing for me. Yes they are a major turn on but there is also a big non-sexual, 
comforting and stress relieving part to them. As I told my wife I will be 100% honest and forthcoming with you from now on. If you have any questions let me know, and there's plenty of articles and such on the subject if you'e interested. I can't thank you enough for your acceptance and I know you understand how much of a relief it is for me to not be so "in the closet" anymore.

After a couple days of constantly checking for a response I finally got this back.

so I haven't responded to this yet because I wanted to do it properly. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that the longer I wait the more you're going to think like I ignored your email. that's definitely not the case. I've just had a busy couple of days. even now, I'm filling up my gas tank to head out to the take over.
James, your an amazing friend! There is really nothing more to it than that. yes, you told me something that was quite a shock and I definitely didn't see it coming. but if there's 1 thing I understand, it is that things like that don't make a person any different. They are who they are and they always have been. I get that. so really, don't worry. that said, I do look at you differently now. it's not in a bad way though. I look at you with a little more understanding and a lot more respect. I always knew you didn't have a problem with me being gay but I didn't really get why. Now I do.
so if you're worried that our friendship will change, well there's a high likelihood that it will. The good news is that it will change for the better. you put a lot of trust in me when you "came out." I assure you that I won't abuse that.
All that said, I really can't wait for you to come visit again but am also excited that you're going to be in town for christmas. I had a great week with you here. :)
Thanks for always being there for me. I hope I can return the favor adequately.-Seth(his name isn't Seth, it's an inside joke with us centered around The OC)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

thanksgiving week part 2

So I got home the other night from an amazing week in DC and I know what you are all thinking of. I did tell my friend...everything. On Wednesday night we had plans to head into Baltimore to attend Drag Bingo at a local gay bar. Oh boy.

So we figured on dinner first of course, you can't go through a night of drinking with an empty tummy. About half way there we finally decide on Rocket to Venus which was a rather unique place yet I can't really describe why. The service was rather slow which allowed us to talk quite a bit. I said how it's been rather boring at home with my wife gone and I was a bit jealous at how easy it is for him, a gay man, to just go to a bar and meet other guys. Straight guys can't really do that unfortunately.

He says that I should find a local group of people who like the same things I do and meet them. You can probably tell where my mind jumped at the statement. After a minute of thinking I told him that I have found a group of people who are into similar things that I am (the littles munch). To which he says "Well throw a party!"

I then had to explain the level of anonymity the ABDL community has while being as vague as possible. I wanted to tell him the truth but I didn't want to do it right before a night out, especially a night with as much promise as Drag Bingo. He, of course, got very curious because of my ridiculous level of vagueness but I was able to convince him to talk about it later. His response was "You know I won't forget about it later right?"

So we went through the Drag Bingo, which was one of the mist fun things I did in a while, and not 5 minutes after we got back to his car he spurts out "So about this thing you mentioned." My heart sank. I knew this time was coming and you could say I wanted this time to come but when it actually came...if you have ever told anyone about this fetish then you know what I went through. I was nervous, scared, terrified even, but I had to do it.

It was an hour long ride home and I knew it. I knew I had plenty of time to stumble through my words and repeat myself, which I did. I told him about being a DL, about this blog and my twitter. I tried to explain why it took me so long to tell him. And by the time we got back to his place everything was alright. He said that this doesn't change who I am or our friendship. We spent about 30 minutes talking more openly about each other. One thing he said that made me laugh was he wished I had a transcript of all the questions and answers my wife and I went over when I told her. She came to me with a full type written page of questions after doing a day of research. That was funny to me because I wish I had that page of questions she wrote but she deleted it after our conversation.

As I expected he was fine with everything. He also said he wished I told him sooner which I kind of expected. I wish I told him sooner and I will forever wonder what could have been if I told him years ago. Just the fact that he is accepting is more than enough though and I can't wait until he comes up here to visit for Christmas!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

the copy paper story

Several months ago there was a meeting at work where all the managers got together and basically went around said what work they didn’t have time for anymore and they divided it amongst the non-managers. I suppose I can understand that but, among other things, I was handed work that a coworker and non-manager, who I make more money than, apparently “didn’t have time for”. This work in question was updating the employee phone directory, a 25 name list that gets updated once every few months when someone leaves. The point is that it doesn’t happen very often and updating it takes a few minutes. To say that this person didn’t have the time to do that so they passed it to me is more symbolic than anything. It’s symbolic of them not respecting me and placing her on a higher podium than I. I told you that story so you can understand my mindset at the start of this story. I feel like the low man on the totem pole, like the office peon.

A while later there was another all manager meeting where the subject of copy paper was brought up. The front office worker who kindly brought up boxes of copy paper from the basement was leaving and there needed to be someone to take his place. ManagerA, who I dislike for a few reasons, says well James refills the copy paper in the hallway printers so he should do it. The GM said if I was available and going down there anyway I could bring up a couple extra boxes for the front office, even though I don’t even work in there, I have a separate office down the hall.

So ManagerA left the meeting thinking that it was now my job and it was her job to tell me every time the copy paper gets low. The GM did not mean this whatsoever. I was never told of this because my boss understood what the GM was getting at, that it isn’t my job but I would do it if I had the time. So a while goes by and the copy paper gets low and ManagerA sends an "I’m better than you and you’re not doing your job(bringing up boxes of copy paper) so I’m going to email you, your boss and the GM to tell them that you are not doing your job" email which I took immediate offense to for multiple reasons.

I went right to my boss and told him about the email and he figured out what happened with ManagerA misunderstanding the GMs statement. He explained to her that this isn’t my job and that was that. MangerB who actually has a cubicle in the front office decides to be nice and get the copy paper boxes this time. The next time the paper gets low she emails just me to tell me to refill it. I got pissed, told my boss and deleted the email. A day or two later she emails me and CCs my boss and the GM again to say I wasn’t doing my job. When that email came through I walked off the job. I told my boss I can’t deal with her crap and thankfully he understood and let me go without any repercussions.

The next day I get called into the GMs office to explain the situation. He completely sides with me and says ManagerA had no right stepping in. He explained I’m not some peon and that I’m a well-respected and valued member of the staff, but to this day I still feel like the office peon. The GM has a talk with ManagerA and tells her she has no right stepping in and everything calms down until a month later. Then the night audit person sends an all staff email and CCs me saying “To whom it may concern…” stating that the copy paper supply is getting low and someone needs to restock it (CCing me means he wants me to do it). I went right to the GM with this and he told the night audit to not send those emails.

A couple days later the night audit sends another all staff email about paper, I get pissed, the GM gets pissed, and he is written up. He sends an apology email to me saying he didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings and was just trying to help. This all goes away for a while until yesterday. It was a wicked busy day and I was in the front office to work on a few problems when a wicked nice coworker stops me and asks if I could bring some paper up. She is so nice and asked nicely enough that I told her I would do it when I had time since I was super busy. A couple hours later ManagerA sends another email about the paper to me, CCing my boss, the GM and the nice coworker who asked me earlier. Yeah I was pissed again. At least this time she said she brought up a few reams but it wouldn’t last so she wanted me to bring some more up. I’m shocked she did that little…

So that brings me to this morning. I get another email from the extremely nice coworker who asks if I could bring a couple boxes of paper up because they were running low. After all these emails I’m still pissed about the situation. I’m not pissed that I have to get the paper. I’m pissed about not only the tone of everyone when they ask me and who stuck their head into this mess when they had no business doing so, but also about what this really means. This all means I am some low level employee that people *cough* ManagerA can boss around, and after 5 years I still have very little respect and no way to advance in the company.

Some people will say that I should just do it and shut up. Some of you will be thinking that I should be happy having a job. Let me tell you that first off having a job that you absolutely hate some days just sucks. And by the way, my wife lost her job earlier this year. We went for a long time without her income and nearly lost everything. I know how hard it is. And now because of this economy I might have to live thousands of miles away from my wife until further notice because we can’t afford to lose my income. But hey, life is hard and I’m making the most of it.

Thank you for listening to my ranting. I will now go back to finishing my regularly scheduled post SPOILERS it’s about telling my best friend…

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

thanksgiving week

So I got word that I have the week of Thanksgiving off! For some people this might be a bad thing considering I'll only get 16 hours of work and 8 hours of holiday pay but, more importantly, it means I'll be driving down to Washington DC to spend the week with a very good friend of mine who happened to be the best man at our wedding. I'm super excited! I can't promise a weekly update but I'll try my best.

I am also trying to meet up with an ABDL friend of mine from the area which leads me to a difficult decision. Do I or do I not tell my best friend of my DL side...? I don't have an answer. I'll need an answer in a few days though.

Ever since I first met him we just had this connection. He was a friend of a friend at the time but we quickly started hanging out by ourselves. Later he came out of the closet to me years before he wanted anyone else to know. I kept his secret faithfully and I know he would keep mine too. Of course I don't know 100% but as long as it doesn't freak him out, since this isn't exactly mainstream, it shouldn't come between us. This is a big decision though.

Forever this has been a very personal thing for me. Telling my wife was hard for many reasons but one of them was because I was letting someone into my little bubble I had kept to myself for what had been 15 years at the time. Now letting another person in would be difficult.

Do you guys have any suggestions? I'm really on the fence about this one. It would be easier emotionally to just lie to him than "come out" but it wouldn't right...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

our first communication UPDATED

So I finally heard from my wife! It was only about a 3 minute call but it was great to hear her voice again! She just called me to have me fax some info over to her but it was still awesome. She told me that if everything goes according to plan she will get an hour long phone conversation with me in the middle of November so I am really looking forward to that. I actually took the day off of work just in case she calls during the day. Ok I'm done now, I'll update all of you as things progress.

Not 2 hours after I posted this the phone rang. "Hey baby!" I hear on the other end. My wife has been doing so well in boot camp and her CO deemed her "an asset to her division" so they gave her a special 15 minute call home. The time went by so fast but it was great to hear her voice again. I'm on such an emotional high right now I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

first anniversary

So today marks the first anniversary of my blog so I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the past 12 months and what writing this blog has done for me. When I started writing I really wanted to put myself out there. I wanted to document my trials and tribulations as a 20 something married DL. But most of all, I wanted my blog to help and inspire people.

I wanted for someone to say to me one day that reading my blog helped them to understand themselves better or it helped them to come to terms with their feelings. I can say with confidence that I accomplished my goal. I've had conversations with a couple of people who ended up coming out (for lack of a better term) to their significant others about this fetish and others who used my blog as a point of reference on what this fetish means to them.

Hearing stories like that makes me feel so proud. Proud to know that I made a difference in someone's life who I never would have met otherwise. I know a fellow blogger already does this *cough* abysitter, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If anyone would like to share their story of how my blog or any other blog or resource has helped them in their struggle with infantilism and you would like to share your story let me know and we'll see about including it here.

The main goal of this blog is to help me to come to terms with this fetish. Ever since I was little (real little not ageplay little) I always wanted to know how something worked and why it did what it did. This blog is helping me to understand what infantilism really means to me and over the years my viewpoint has changed. When I was younger I called myself a teen baby then grew into an adult baby, even though I didn't really understand what that really meant. I later figured that I was much more of a diaper lover than anything. Now 7 years out of my teens and 21 years since I discovered my love of diapers, I realize that I do have a small AB side. Not only that but I realized that I've always had an immaturity that used to come out a lot more when I was younger.

As the months and years go on I want to continue to explore this fetish and see where it takes me. This blog is a journey of discovery and I am thankful to have you here to share it with me.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


So my youngest cat has fleas. I think.

I miss my wife for many different reasons but one of the more interesting ones is because I have no idea what to do with the cats. Ok I know how to feed them and play with them and clean their litter boxes, but I don't have a clue what to do when they get sick. And what do you know, one of my cats has fleas. I can troubleshoot all the computers, server and AV equipment at work but when it comes to a cat I have no idea. 

It started on Monday night, the night my wife left. My youngest cat started freaking out like he was being bit by fleas. He would run to the corner of the room all of a sudden and frantically lick and nibble at some part of his body. then after a minute or so he would be fine. Then 20 minutes later he would do the same thing again. This happens once in a while and usually we just put Frontline or Advantage Multi on all 3 cats and they are fine, but not this time.

I put the medicine on them Monday night and for the rest of the night everything was great. The next day when I got home from work I noticed he was back to doing the same thing again, like he was being bit. I facebooked one of my wife's old coworkers to ask for advice and she said it could be anything from resilient fleas that might take a couple days to die to a skin irritation from the bites to some other allergy. After a couple days if he doesn't get better I was to take him to a vet. Well a couple days go by and still no improvement.

I called up the vet 2 days ago and she says pretty much the same thing and I should try giving the cat a bath in Dawn to kill off the remaining fleas. Now I know how much my cats hate water, but for some reason I was looking forward to it. Alright, I know exactly why I was looking forward to it. The sight of a helpless soaping wet cat just  makes me giggle inside. So on my way home from work I picked up some blue Dawn, because I didn't realize we had a TON already. I loured the cat into the bathroom with food and closed the door. 

I was surprised that he didn’t freak out when I ran the bath so I put about an inch and a half of water in the tub and got myself ready. He was curious at first, like ooo what is that? Who are you? (in the voice of the curiosity sphere from the end of Portal 1) but as soon as his precious little paws touched the lukewarm water he supremely spazzed out like I was dropping him into a tub of molten lava.

After what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds of super spazzy kitty action, I let him go. He splashed into the water and immediately clawed his way out and lunged for the door. Seeing that it was closed he hunkered up next to it and started franticly cleaning himself. Once I picked myself up off the floor from hysterical laughter I went for round two. “Come on Niko,” I said “you need to get at least a little wet.” I grabbed him and he must have had a momentary lapse of memory because he did the same thing as before and didn’t freak out until his paws touched the water again. What came next was worse than the first time.

I tried to hold him lower so he couldn’t grab anything, hoping that he would eventually calm down like my middle cat did; she gave up fighting and stood there crying. He didn’t. He spazzed out even more and scratched me a few times before lodging all 5 claws of his front paw in my lower arm. I, of course, dropped him immediately and he climbed out and hunkered by the door again. At this point he was wet enough that I could start washing so I soaked a towel added some Dawn and pinned him against the bathroom door so I could scrub his fur. Surprisingly he took that part pretty well and didn’t put up one bit of a fight. I finally finished and, after taking a few pictures to amuse myself in the future, I went about my evening. Thankfully he came over and laid next to me on the couch to clean himself later on so there are no hard feelings. But about an hour or so after this ordeal he was back to freaking out about fleas so I did all that for nothing!

Now what make me miss my wife after all this is that she would know what to do. She was studying to be a vet and worked at a vet hospital until recently. Whenever the cats are a bit off she jumps into action and fixes everything. I can't do that. I have no idea what is really going on with my youngest and like a concerned parent, I fear the worst. Even the doctor said there probably isn't much they can do accept potentially make him a bit more comfortable, a hundred or so dollars later.

I miss my wife for many reasons and I almost feel lost without her. Now I have to deal with a sick(?) cat and her student loan companies who refuse to postpone payments until boot camp is over, fun fun. But with my emotional state, it's a lot to handle.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

entering the navy

Well my wife’s military career has officially begun. She entered boot camp on Monday night and thankfully I was able to talk with her briefly when she landed. I wanted to update you all earlier than this but I have been such an emotional wreck since Sunday that I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. This is harder than I imagined.

I guess I don’t really know what I was expecting to feel like in her absence. We have been living together for 6 years this Christmas so I don’t know how to live by myself. The mood around the house over the past month has been less than good to say the least.  I had been sinking further into depression with the deployment date growing closer. When I said good bye to her on Sunday afternoon that was hard. She spent the night in a hotel and I got to go in Monday morning to witness her enlistment ceremony.

Saying good bye to her after that ceremony was unbelievably hard. And to be honest with you, even though it’s only 2 months it’s still painful. Going from living with a person for 6 years, and getting married over a year ago, to not being able to hear her voice again until Christmas and having no idea when the first letter will come, is incredibly hard. I know there will be other probably longer deployments in the future but at least we will probably be able to talk to one another or maybe even Skype.

I’m getting through it though. It’s getting easier every day but not much easier.

I am super proud of her too, and I’ve told her that many times.

She’s a strong girl and I have all the faith in her. I just can’t wait until Christmas when I can hold her again.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

our last week together

So my wife is leaving next Monday for boot camp. Our last full day together will be Saturday.

Writing that was hard. I'm going to miss her tremendously but I know it's for the better.

As for the details. She will be going up to Boston on Sunday afternoon for some last tests and things and on Monday morning I'll get to see her sworn in and shipped out to boot camp. After 2 months of boot camp I'll be there for her graduation and get to see her off to California for 6 months of training/schooling. It's still up in the air whether or not I get to move out there with her, but I think it would be better financially for me to stay here. As hard as that will be, we need my income to keep us stable and trying to find a decent paying job for <6 months would be near impossible.

We have found out from a few people in her field that the main bases are in Florida, Texas, California and, Hawaii. If you have been reading my blog, you know how absolutely amazing it would be for us to be stationed in Hawaii. And one person she talked to recently said most of the people in her field are stationed in Hawaii so fingers crossed!

Now for what I'll be doing for about 8 months...I have no idea. My wife is away this weekend and I'm just sitting around wondering what I should do so multiply that by 80 and you get how long I'll be sitting around wondering what I should do. I will definitely be more active in the local ABDL scene and will be trying harder to actually meet up with people outside the munches, so that's a start.

When my wife first moved in with me, about 6 years ago, all I had in my fridge was frozen pizza, hot dogs, ketchup and beer, so I expect to be in a similar situation in the near future. As much as I want to cook for myself and make a good dinner, it took me 45 minutes to wash dishes yesterday so I don't want to have to do that again.

I also fully expect to go through a ton of diapers! Whenever my wife goes away for a day or two I already diaper up asap so with her gone for months I'm sure I'll be diapered for a good portion of time; I'm already on my 3rd diaper since I got home from work yesterday :)

I want to end this post by saying thank you to all of my online friends. I am closer to some of you than I am to people in real life. Unfortunately as time passed all my real life friends moved on or away so my twitter buddies have been invaluable to me. I wish you all the best and as hard as the future may seem, I'm looking forward to the adventure!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

recipes for when my wife is gone

Last night I asked my wife to make me a list of recipes that I can make when she is away at boot camp. After I went to bed she made something up and emailed it to me. I loved it so much I wanted to share it with you. Enjoy! 

Read all the way to the end :)

Chili Recipe
2- 8oz. cans of red kidney beans
1- 8 oz. can of diced tomatoes
1- 16 oz. can of tomato sauce
2 packets of McCormick’s Chili original flavor packets
1 pound of Hamburger
½ sweet Onion
2 spoonful’s of crushed garlic
1 tablespoon Oregano.
Brown meat, drain excess liquid. Chop onion into small pieces. Then combine all ingredients together into crockpot. Allow it to cook on high heat for at least an hour and thirty minutes.

½ pound of hamburger
1 tablespoon of Worchester sauce
½ tablespoon of Oregano
½ tablespoon of McCormicks hamburger seasoning
1 teaspoon of onion powder
1 teaspoon of garlic powder
1 teaspoon of meat tenderizer
Combine all ingredients together mixing well to insure even coverage of seasonings. Place a handful of meat into the hamburger press and mash well until you have an evenly pressed hamburger. Cook hamburger(s) on medium high heat until it starts to turn brown on the sides. Flip once and press down on the hamburger with spatula. Heat through until meat is cooked. (Easy way of telling if meat is cooked is to make an indent on the top of the burger after you have already flipped it once, if the juice that comes out is red, it is not done. If the juice is watery and brown the burger is done cooking).

Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup
1 can of tomato soup
American cheese
Place tomato soup in a sauce pan and cook on medium low heat. Heat skillet to medium. Butter each side of the bread, layer 1-2 slices of cheese and cover with another piece of bread place in skillet. Toast each side of the bread until golden brown. Enjoy!

 El Paso taco dinner kit
1 pound of hamburger
Sour cream
Mexican cheese
Taco bell’s Fire sauce
(You can also make nachos with this recipe just add tortilla chips!)

Cat driving you mad? Try Cat on a stick!
Kill and skin cat
Place cat on stick
Bake at 400 until the core temperature reaches 180 degrees. (About 4 ½ hours)
Goes well with your favorite side dish!

Frozen Pizza and Beer
Buy a frozen pizza, and six pack of your favorite beer
Follow directions on the back of the pizza box
Open beer… drink!
Congratulations! You just made dinner!

Well I could tell you how to make them but, you’re gonna say that it is too much work. So just go and buy frozen ones!

Cold Cuts
Buy your choice of meat at your local deli. Place meat on bread along with your favorite condiments. Enjoy!

Lazy Day
Wendy’s, McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, or Taco bell are calling your name!
Don’t feel like any of those? You can always go and mooch off your mom!

Junk Food Night
I’m only allowing you to have one of these nights while I’m gone! As for all the other nights get off your butt and make something decent!

Well, I hope that you will eat them while I’m gone…

Monday, September 12, 2011

perception of self

After what ended up being an extremely busy 6 days off due to my mother-in-law begin in town, which I will be writing about in the near future, I capped off the vacation with recording another episode of the Big Little Podcast. When I first heard about the title I was excited to be a part of another major episode, after the great diaper show. The best thing about the podcast in general is that even if I know nothing about the subject, I can still get into it. I find it fascinating learning about new aspects of this expansive fetish and hearing stories from people I wouldn’t have heard otherwise.

During the taping the other night there was one topic that I wish we could have discussed further. It as the topic of your perception as a man and an ageplayer. Can you feel manly and babyish at the same time? The topic eventually moved on but I want to stay with this for a minute.  I have never seen myself as very manly. I am not your stereotypical man who loves sports and can rattle off stats and discuss the previous night’s games on a whim. Up until recently I wouldn’t even enjoy a beer with the guys, I would have rather had a margarita and I have always gotten along better with women anyway.

Now I still do love that frozen concoction that helps me hang on, and it’s not to say that drinking beer makes you more or less manly, but the stereotypical man drinking beer and watching sports with the guys was never me. I have recently, however, developed a taste for beer after discovering that it all doesn’t have to taste the same. And though I do watch baseball occasionally, which is on almost every night for you non-Americans, I still don’t just sit around every Sunday to watch football (American football).

Now the big question is, do I still feel manly after strapping on a diaper? And that would be a difficult question to answer. Right off the bat I would have to say no, but then again, I have never really felt manly in the first place so could I ever answer yes? And no I have never felt girly, I have just felt like me. I have always done my own thing in my own way. I have always been a bit of a loner and never tried to fit in with the crowd. So in my eyes, manly is another term concocted by society in an effort to lump all men together. Does it really matter if you don’t fit in with society?

I know many members of the infantilism community who long ago stopped caring about others perception of them and made a conscious decision to live their life how they want to, which includes some people living at ABs 100% of the time. In recent years I have fully embraced the fetish and decided to live life for myself. Not that I cared much about society’s view of me in the first place, but I care little to none about it now; which doesn’t mean I go out in public in just a diaper, I respect that some people just don’t want to see that. I also understand that diapers are technically underwear and it’s frowned upon to go strutting around town in your tighty whities.

So do I feel manly when I strap on a diaper? No. Do I feel particularly manly when I’m not wearing a diaper? No. But does it really matter? I am happy being who I am, and I am happy with my life. I hope that you can find a nice balance in your life as well. Ironically for me, and I’m sure for many of you, one great way to relieve yourself from the pressures of societal norms is to strap on a diaper or regress to a much less adult state where it all doesn’t matter anyway.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


God I hate money. You never have enough when you need it and if you have too much (ie lottery winners) everyone wants it. If you have been keeping up with my irregular blog posting then you already know that money is tight right now. My wife lost her job almost a month ago and with no unemployment yet, and that's not looking good either, the money is draining quite rapidly from our bank account.

So I come in today, knowing that next week is slow, and my boss hits me with this: "It looks like you have Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off."

That's 5 days people! 5 days with no pay is not going to cut it in this world. 

He then responds with "Well after that I have enough budget to put you on for 9 days straight but I know you need a day or two off to recover so let me know what you want."

"Well," I replied "I really don't have the luxury to take days off anymore so I'll take whatever hours I can."

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you all this to get pity, I'm no pity party seeker.  I am telling you all this so you will bear with me and my lack of posting. Having little/no work is really doing a number on my mood and growing level of depression and it leaves me with little motivation to do anything, not to mention blogging, twittering or chatting. So if you will bear with me I will get through this and I will come out stronger in the end, at least that's what everyone tells me.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

recent developments UPDATE

Just a quick post to let you all know that my wife was approved for unemployment! As you can probably tell, that is a huge weight off our shoulders! My wife keeps saying she'll feel much better when the first check comes in but just knowing we have money coming in feels great!

Friday, August 19, 2011

new laptop

I went with the second one listed below and I can't wait to get it! This will be my first new computer in 8 years!

So this is not the post I was working on yesterday but this came up yesterday and I wanted to ask all of you for a bit of advice. I will be posting a new regular update soon though but until then, My wife and I have been discussing getting a new laptop for me so we can at least skype together when she is away for Navy training. We finally decided to go for it yesterday and I started researching. I really want something that will last for a while technology wise and I'm looking to spend around $1000. I have customized a laptop on AVADirect for about $1100 that I like a lot but I was curious if you guys have any suggestions. What I have so far is this:

+ GAMING LAPTOP, Clevo W251HPQ Core™i7 Gaming Notebook, 15.6" HD Glossy LED LCD, Intel® GMA HD / NVIDIA® GeForce® GT 520M 1GB Graphics
·  CLEVO, W251HPQ-Q Core™ i7 Notebook Barebone, Socket G2, Intel® HM65, 15.6" HD LED Glossy, Intel® GMA HD / NVIDIA® GeForce® GT 520M 1GB Graphics
·  INTEL, Core™ i7-2720QM Quad-Core 2.2GHz, HD Graphics 3000, 6MB L3 Cache, 32nm, 45W, Retail
·  CORSAIR, 8GB (2 x 4GB) PC3-10600 DDR3 1333MHz SDRAM SODIMM, CL9, Non-ECC
·  SAMSUNG, 500GB SpinPoint MP4, 7200-RPM, 16MB cache, 2.5-Inch, SATA 3 Gb/s, OEM
·  CLEVO, Blu-Ray Reader and Super-Multi DVD±RW Optical Drive for Clevo W251HPQ
·  NETWORK, Built-in 10/100/1000 Mbps Ethernet LAN Card
·  INTEL, Centrino® Advanced-N 6230 Wireless and Bluetooh Module, IEEE 802.11a/g/n, 11/54/300 Mbps, Internal PCIe Half Mini Card
·  NOTEBOOK ACCESSORY, AC Adapter 100-240V (Included)
·  MICROSOFT, Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit Edition w/ SP1, OEM

I would really appreciate any input you all have.

Or maybe something along the lines of this, I'm leaning toward this one:

Battalion 101 W170HR 17.3" Full HD 1920x1080 Widescreen LED TFT laptop w/ HDMI Port, eSATA/USB Combo Port, Li-Ion Battery, Universal AC Power Adapter - Original Metallic Black

Intel® Core™ i7-2630QM Mobile Processor (4x 2.00GHz/6MB L3 Cache)

8GB [4GB x 2] 1333MHz DDR3 SDRAM [Laptop Memory] Corsair or Major Brand

NVIDIA GeForce GT 555M 2GB GDDR3 3D Video [W170HR]

500 GB 7200rpm Serial-ATA Super Slim Laptop Hard Drive

8x Dual Format DVD±R/±RW + 16x CD-R/RW Combo Drive [W170HR]

Built-in 9-in-1 Media Card Reader/Writer [Laptop]

3D Premium Surround Sound Onboard

Built-in 10/100/1000 Mbps LAN [Laptop]

Intel Advanced-N 6230 802.11 a/b/g/n 300Mbps Dual-Band Wi-Fi + Bluetooth Combo

Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium + Office Starter 2010 (Includes basic versions of Word and Excel) - 64-Bit

Built-in 2x USB 2.0 Ports + 2x USB 3.0 Port [Laptop]

Free Deluxe Carrying Case


Built-in 2.0 Mega Pixels Digital Web Video Camera

Standard Warranty Service - Standard One(1) Year Limited Warranty + Lifetime Technical Support

Rush Service Fee (not shipping fee) - No Rush Service, Estimate Ship Out in 5~10 Business Days

1 x [Free Game Download] - Just Cause 2 Free with Purchase of NVIDIA Video Card

Thursday, August 11, 2011


Ok, I'm seriously addicted to Minecraft! I have only been playing since January but lately I can't get enough! It also may or may not contribute to my lack of posting lately...

I definitely suggest that you all try it and definitely check out the guys over at Yogscast. They play through some of the adventure maps and their commentary is hilarious!

So I've just ended almost every sentence with an exclamation point...I'm sorry, it will never happen again...!

On a semi side note, I would like to do an explanation of Minecraft in the near future for all those who have no idea what I'm talking about so stay tuned!

Check out:

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

recent developments

I need to apologize for my recent absence. Unfortunately I have been generally away from most ABDL sites including blogger and twitter. There has been some major stuff going on in my life and I have had absolutely no motivation to do anything.

My wife lost her job recently so our financial future is unsure at the moment. Now you may say, just have her file for unemployment and look for a job, but things are never that easy. Her former employer fired her for a completely bogus reason that everyone we talk to, including her recruiters, are appalled at. Unfortunately once my wife told them she was joining the Navy she was subjected to a very hostile and very unprofessional work environment, and the way they fired her means they can deny her unemployment leaving us in a nearly impossible financial situation. And since she has 3 months until she goes to boot camp, she is being immediately eliminated from any job during the interview process.

With all that being said, I am still around and I just ask that you bare with me while we get through this difficult time in our lives. Thank you for stopping by to check out my blog and I promise to be back in full force in the near future.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

august boston littles munch

For all my New England followers, the next Boston Littles Munch will be on August 1st!

Check out the FetLife page for info or if you're not on FetLife check out our page on

Please make sure to email to RSVP so we can reserve a big enough table.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

adult toddler playland: greetings and welcome

Hey guys, a good local friend of mine just started his own blog. I would be eternally grateful if you clicked over to his site and checked out what he had to say.

Adult Toddler Playland: Greetings and Welcome: "I am a 31 year old Adult Toddler. i live in New England and I work full time and go to school nights and weekends. I am also married to a w..."

Monday, July 11, 2011

social networking

I'm sure many of you found me through one social network or another, and I'm sure many of you found me through one of the many blogs I have linked to the right and now below:

I see social media as not just a fad but as a revolution in the way we, as a society, communicate and share information. Twitter has been my go to site for a couple years now but I have ventured out to others as well. If you would like to follow me on twitter, tumblr, fetlife, fur affinity, ABDL Community, or the new google+ (if you need an invite, message me and I'll see what I can do) I will post the links below. If I didn't name your favorite ABDL site please let me know, but you can search for me on there I am normally under steal_viper or closetdl. Once you find me message me and say hi, I love meeting new people!

Friday, July 8, 2011

big little podcast update

So last night I had the privilege to join 11 other people on the panel of diaper enthusiasts on the Big Little Podcast. If you haven't listened to it before I highly recommend it! Unfortunately I didn't get to join until well after they started so I didn't get to talk a whole lot until the end but it was an amazing experience anyway. We covered a ton of different topics that I'm sure you'll all enjoy.

I will post a link to the episode once it is released, but until then please check out their site and enjoy the past episodes. Stay tuned for further information!

UPDATE: The podcast had been released! You can hear it/download it at

Sunday, June 26, 2011

reflecting on my first year of marriage

So it's been a year already! One thing I can say is that it went by so fast! If you're about to get married, please take some time in the middle of all the action to breath. There’s a lot of stuff going on around you and if you don't take a minute to soak it all in, you will miss something. There are actually a few things I didn't get to do and a few things I missed out on but I don’t regret any of it.

My first year of marriage was actually a very successful one. My wife and I never fought much in the 4.5 years we dated before our wedding day and that streak continued. That's not to say we never fought, but we mesh so well that there is little we differ on enough to bring up a fight. But the last thing you should ever do is keep something inside with the sole purpose of avoiding an argument. As I'm sure you’ve heard over and over again, whether you are married or just dating, you should never go to bed angry at your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse.

But I digress, I wanted to write this to post as a learning experience. I wanted this to be a collection of things I did right and things I did wrong so that others could learn a thing or two and avoid potential headaches. But alas, I am at a loss. Like I said before, my wife and I barely ever fight. We lived together for 4.5 years before we got married and we were able to work things out in that time so the actual marriage has been a breeze.

One of the best pieces of advice I can share with you is be very conscious of what your partner is thinking. They may not be telling you exactly what they are feeling with words, but their body language should tell all. If they are not very vocal, like me, you need to be clear with them that if you do something they don’t like, they must tell you so that things can change. It’s far better to have a discussion right then and there rather than having it bottle up inside and explode 10x worse down the line.

So after another year of growing and maturing our relationship to a point of relative harmony, I can say with certainty that I found my soul mate. I had that feeling as soon as we started dating and it has only gotten better. We have a long bumpy road ahead of us, however, with her going to boot camp in November for 8 weeks and then off to San Diego for 6 months. But with a little luck I’ll at least be able to join her in California, of course until that gets settled it will still mean more time apart. What is getting me through all this is just thinking about my love for her and how great it will be to be reunited again.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

happy fathers day!

Just saying a quick Happy Fathers Day to all the fathers/daddies out there! Now go make your little ones wait on you hand and foot, you deserve it! :)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

what has shaped me 1

I have been thinking a lot about what has shaped me as a person. In the past I have had discussions with several people about what has happened to us in the past that has defined us and made us who we are. In my history, I am lucky enough to remember many occasions where I was hurt or encouraged or cast aside in very public or private ways. I would like to talk about one of the more early occasions in my life, I was in first grade in this particular story.

At 7 years old I was very impressionable and very cocky. I used to think I was everything. I thought everyone listened to me and everyone cared about what I had to say. What do you expect, I was 7...  Little did I know, I was sorely mistaken.

At 7 years old I was attending a summer camp at the local YMCA.  I had been going there for a couple years so I was completely comfortable with all my peers, and had come up as an informal leader of our group.  This position didn’t actually exist and therefore held no actual benefits or responsibilities but I took it very seriously.

My dad dropped me off at the YMCA today as he did every day of every summer for many years.  As he checked into the reception desk I ran left down the hall and threw open the double doors to the meeting room.  The room was bustling with activity.  My best friend Paul was over to the right on a bench drawing with my other best friend JP and a few other kids.  The far right wall housed all the cubby holes where we stashed out lunches until noon.  Along the left wall were the windows to the street and cabinets for storage.  The back wall, straight ahead, was stacked with milk crates 5 feet high, all turned on their sides for easy access to the toys inside.  In the middle of the back wall was the meeting rug.  It was surrounded with milk crates on three sides, almost like a cage for the wild and crazy kids.

“Hey guys!”  I said as I saddled up next to Paul and JP.

“Hey Jim, what’s goin on?”  Paul asked without looking up from his drawing.

“Nothing.  Whatcha drawing?” 

“It’s a Peterbuilt!”  He said confidently as he smiled and held up his drawing.

JP chimed in.  “Dude you always draw trucks.”

“So.”  Paul snapped back.

Now my parents always told me never to answer anything with just the word “so”.  They always told me it was disrespectful and annoying, but I never listened, it seemed like a perfectly good reply in most cases.

Just then the leader, Mrs. Sarny, spoke up.  “Alright kids quiet please!”  She was ignored.  “Everyone!  Quiet!”  Still nothing.  She placed her finger on the tip of her nose and it quickly spread throughout the group.  There was a known rule that the last person to put their finger on their nose wouldn’t get and snacks for the day, food rules all.

I was the first person at my table to hear her and placed my finger on my nose.  “Hey guys look look!”  I motioned to my friends.  Everyone quickly put their fingers on their nose and there was no odd man out this time.

“Ok, I need you all to go sit on the rug so we can get started.”  Everyone quickly and quietly scurried over to the rug and sat in our groups of friends.  When we all got settled the leaders took attendance and told us what today had in store.  "Ok we are all going on a nature walk today!"  We all cheered since it meant being outside for part of the day.  "In fact, the nature walk starts right now!"  Everyone quickly got up and rushed over to the door, laughing and cheering all the way. 

As the unofficial leader, I quickly got the the front of the line to lead the group outside.  Right as we started out we were stopped by an approaching family here to drop of their son for his first day.  The leaders started talking to his parents and I went over to welcome him.

"Hi, I'm, James!" I said enthusiastically.

"My name's Sean!"

Sean quickly fell back to about the middle of the pack as we started off again.  We walked across the large field and down a wide path into the woods.  My unofficial job as unofficial leader of the group was to warn everyone of horse poop on the path, and tell them when to breath through their mouth so they don't have to smell it.  It sounds like a ridiculous thing to care about but for me it was awesome.  People actually respected me for it and if I was busy talking to someone and missed announcing an upcoming mushy pile, they jokingly yelled at me for not warning them.

It was on this day, however, that my world was turned upside down forever.  My typical announcement of "Hey guys there's horse poop on the left! Everyone breath through your mouth!" was quickly challenged.  No sooner then I made that announcement did Sean step up beside me.

"No no, it's bad for you to breath that in through your mouth!  You have to use your nose so your nose can block all the bad stuff!"  Kid logic.

My world was challenged.  We got in a mini argument over this but I finally settled on: he was an idiot and I was right and I'm not arguing anymore.  But since we were coming up on the horse pasture area there was a lot more horse poop to warn the group about.

When the next pile came up, pretending that the last argument never happened, I made my announcement "Hey guys there's horse poop on the left! Everyone breath through your mouth!"  However, Sean wasn't having it.

Right after I finished my statement, Sean made an announcement of his own. "Everyone, there's horse manure on the left! Breath through your nose!"  He said that like I wasn't even there.  I looked back quickly to see the whole group following his command.

When the next pile came around I made my announcement again and, standing right next to me, Sean made his.  A couple people quickly replied "Thanks Sean!"

My world crumbled.

What may seem trivial now was a major setback for me.  Sean became a regular and quickly took my place as the unofficial leader of the group.  I was devastated.  From that point on Sean lead the group outside and warned everyone about upcoming piles of horse poop and I fell to the back of the group.  Because of all of this trivial stuff I have been afraid to speak in front of people especially when it comes to sharing my ideas.  The last thing I want to happen is to be shot down and humiliated so publicly again.