Friday, December 9, 2011

an open letter

The following is a letter I sent to my friend who I, over Thanksgiving, told about being a DL.

I needed to email you to apologize again for keeping a major part of me secret from you for so long. It was very hard for me to not share it and it was incredibly difficult and down right scary to share it, which I'm sure you could tell. Obviously it's not "normal" and it is rather weird, especially if you don't know anything about it, but I am so happy and incredibly fortunate to have found not only a wife but a best friend who is accepting, even if mildly. I'm sure you understand to a certain degree that what held me back the most was a fear that whomever I told would look differently on me; that they wouldn't see me as the same person anymore and look down upon me because of it. If you do I understand, but I hope you can see me as the same person you met 9 years ago.
The way I look at it is that my personality is because of my fetish. I'll go to a gay club and dance with men because of my personality. I told you before that I have been writing a blog for over a year and it has helped me to figure out things about myself recently that I never new or thought about before. I recently came to the realization that I have what I like to call my dark passenger...kidding (Dexter joke) anyway, I do feel like I have an inner 6 year old (6 being how old I was when I discovered I had this fetish but roughly 6 years before I knew the name of it) that keeps me from being a stereotypical macho guy and allows me to have a fun loving personality. The same personality that allowed me to play with trains with you in the mall the day we met. Show me another straight guy who's done that with you! I'm hoping I'm the only one or I'll have to figure out another example...
What I'm getting at here is that I hope you can think of this as an explanation of why I am the way I am and not a new person or part of me you have to get to know. I'm not going to magically change to a different person so you don't have to worry about that, and I'm not going to wear diapers in front of you either. That is a very personal thing for me. Yes they are a major turn on but there is also a big non-sexual, 
comforting and stress relieving part to them. As I told my wife I will be 100% honest and forthcoming with you from now on. If you have any questions let me know, and there's plenty of articles and such on the subject if you'e interested. I can't thank you enough for your acceptance and I know you understand how much of a relief it is for me to not be so "in the closet" anymore.

After a couple days of constantly checking for a response I finally got this back.

so I haven't responded to this yet because I wanted to do it properly. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that the longer I wait the more you're going to think like I ignored your email. that's definitely not the case. I've just had a busy couple of days. even now, I'm filling up my gas tank to head out to the take over.
James, your an amazing friend! There is really nothing more to it than that. yes, you told me something that was quite a shock and I definitely didn't see it coming. but if there's 1 thing I understand, it is that things like that don't make a person any different. They are who they are and they always have been. I get that. so really, don't worry. that said, I do look at you differently now. it's not in a bad way though. I look at you with a little more understanding and a lot more respect. I always knew you didn't have a problem with me being gay but I didn't really get why. Now I do.
so if you're worried that our friendship will change, well there's a high likelihood that it will. The good news is that it will change for the better. you put a lot of trust in me when you "came out." I assure you that I won't abuse that.
All that said, I really can't wait for you to come visit again but am also excited that you're going to be in town for christmas. I had a great week with you here. :)
Thanks for always being there for me. I hope I can return the favor adequately.-Seth(his name isn't Seth, it's an inside joke with us centered around The OC)

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