Saturday, November 27, 2010

why religion why

Shocker, my world does not revolve around diapers. I feel compelled to write about a non-diaper related issue that has been on my mind recently. I used to be a very religious person, the key phrase there being "used to be". I am now not a practicing religious person and I know that will be a problem in the relatively near future.

My story starts in second grade, I know it's a long time ago but hang in there. Like most Americans, I was in the local public school. Unlike most Americans, in the first and second grades I would get into fights every day. These fights would end up with people on the ground bloody and crying. I spent a lot of time sitting in the main office, that's the administrative offices just outside the principal’s office where you have to wait to see the head honcho. I would also come home with cuts and bruises often.

In second grade my parents had enough. Since I was in a very religious family, they found the best Catholic school they could afford and at the end of second grade I transferred. I spent the whole summer between second and third grade catching up academically to my new peers. To give you an idea, the school I came from didn't even give homework until the fifth grade and the school I was going to started giving homework in kindergarten. Needless to say I was way behind.

After spending the whole summer learning how to multiply and divide, write in cursive, and read and spell at an advanced level, I was thrown into a much different environment. They prayed multiple times every day and had school wide church services on a regular basis. It did strengthen my religious ties but 6 years later, by the time high school came around (9th grade), I had had enough.

We moved into a new town the year before and my mom sent me to the newly formed church youth group which got me back into the religion. It wasn't just about praying in school and going to church anymore, it was about being with like-minded people my own age. Most of them were from public schools making these meetings their only source of religious activity, which helped to turn me around and bring me back into all of it. I was an active member for four years and since it was a new group, I was one of the oldest so I had a lot of people looking up to me during those four years. But when it came to the end of my senior year of high school I had to leave.

It was a rule that after you graduate from high school you cannot attend the meetings anymore unless you want to be a group leader. If you want to pursue the path of a leader you need to take a year off and reflect on your connection with the religion. Since I was one of the founding members and I was in new town when it all started, these were my only friends. To be told that I couldn't hang out with them anymore really hurt me. I begged and pleaded to be let back in but they were firm with their rule. This sent me on a downward spiral that I never recovered from.

Wow that sounded bad...oh well it's already written...moving on. We moved again a few months after I started college which helped me to distance myself from everyone I used to hang out with and ultimately ended a relationship I was in. I was only seven minutes from campus now so I spent all my time there and met a whole bunch of new people. I found a new Catholic youth group that I was a leader of for a few months before it was shut down due to false accusations from another leader, the truth came out and our head minister was cleared but the group never recovered. Now I was on my own again. I was out of another youth group and the only thing keeping me going to church was my girlfriend at the time. I was just going through the motions.

When my junior year of college came to an end, due to various things I will get into later, I was determined to leave Massachusetts. I broke up with my latest girlfriend of almost 4 years and all I wanted to do was get as far away as possible. I spent the next 2 years living in Florida where I completely abandoned my religion and met my future wife, and yes from the moment I saw her I knew she was the one. Together we moved back into my parent’s house in Massachusetts before buying a condo in Rhode Island. She is from a different religion then I was brought up in and also abandoned it when she moved to Florida. We got married 5 months ago and religion started creeping back in.

When the wedding came up I convinced my family that it had to be in a non-religious location because her side of the family is in a religion that doesn't mix well with the one my side of the family is in. This excuse worked for the wedding but now my family wants me to get the marriage blessed by a priest from their religion and I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to be in that religion anymore. I don't believe in it and I don't want to fake it anymore. Of course my wife is now hinting that she wants our kids to grow up in a religion. To top it off, I know my family will be clamoring for a baptism as soon as my first child is born. I know I won't be ousted by the family for not baptizing my kids but things won’t be the same. I am currently my grandmother's favorite grandchild, and with 30 grandkids that's saying a lot. It would break her heart to find out I want nothing to do with the religion she raised us all in. It kills me to think about that. I really don't know what to do. I want to live my own life the way I want to but I don't think that's possible. My wife and I both fell in love with Hawaii on our honeymoon. We both joke about moving there frequently and I know that would solve a lot of my problems. I would finally be out of my family's reach and I could live my life the way I want to.

Due to my family being so intensely religious, I feel my only way to escape this grip would be to move very far away and start a new life. I'm not saying I want to completely abandon my family, but I need space to live my life the way I want to. I don't want to baptize my kids into a religion that I don't believe in and I don't want to fake my beliefs to make my family happy. Obviously I am not bashing any religions here. Whatever you believe in is fine by me, unless you believe that killing thousands of people will get you into heaven, that I have a problem with. All I'm saying is that I don't believe in this religion and I don't want to be forced to believe it to make my family happy. I just wish moving to Hawaii was feasible.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

the year was 1988

The year was 1988. I was a 2nd grader and my life was about to change forever. Ok, it's really not that dramatic but it is where it all began.

1988 was the year my sister was born. I was 3 1/2 at the time and I was very impressionable and very jealous. It's the typical story, my sister was getting all the attention and I was feeling left out. I actually have a picture of the moment I connected my jealousy of my sister with the fact that she was wearing diapers.

I remember that day very well. My family and I were vacationing in New Hampshire and we were hanging around the condo we had rented. My sister was getting a lot of attention and I was feeling left out. It was at that time my sister and I posed with my mother for a picture. In this picture my sister (less than 1 year old) and I (4 years old) were sitting on my mother's lap and I am clearly staring at my sister's diaper. My 4 year old brain figured that she was getting so much more attention because either she was smaller than me or she was wearing a diaper and of course I went with the diaper solution.

That was the moment I associated diapers with love and attention. That moment changed my life forever. Every time I go back to my parents house and I see that picture and feel lucky to actually have a picture of the moment that defined who I would be for the rest of my life.

Monday, November 15, 2010


I suppose I should thank the power of twitter for getting me to 200 views in 7 days. So, thank you Twitter! Incidently you can follow me on twitter @closetdl.

Friday, November 12, 2010

infantilism on the internet

You know I didn't expect to already be writing the same post as another blog *cough* *cough* but I was in the middle of writing this post when she posted her own ABDL blogs post. Regardless, I am still publishing this post since I feel it is a bit different then hers. So without further due here is the post I was writing at the time.

The reason why I feel compelled to write this blog is because of all the other blogs I've found in my travels across the vast internet and how they helped me growing up. I suffered from depression as a young boy and after the initial discomfort stemming from having to wear diapers for a medical reason I grew to like them. They became a source of comfort and relaxation. One thing that got me though everything was finding an online community where I was accepted for who I was. The following is a short list of blogs sites that were instrumental to me understanding and accepting who I was.

The now defunct was the first website I found on my search to understand my diaper desires. When I found DPF it was like a huge weight came off my shoulders, it was at the point that I realized that I wasn't alone in the world. There were actually others who enjoyed diapers as I did.

I eventually found Daily Diapers in it's original format on geocities or something, I don't remember. To this day this site satisfies my desire to see pictures of people in diapers. I didn't become active in the forums until much later and I eventually wrote my own story, The Closet Life which has garnered over 29,000 views so far.

I also enjoyed Deeker back in the day. I will not link to it now because, like many other ABDLs, I do not agree with what it has become. I did enjoy the stories on that site and I found my favorite story of all time, Little League. Has anyone else read this one?

I'll end this post with a short list of some of the blogs I spend time with now.
-I Heart Diapers: I good blog from a 20 something life-long incontinent girl
-The Daily Crinkle: A blog from a 22 year old California boy who is also partially incontinent
-Pampered Penny: A good site ran by a 20 something AB girl/photographer/videographer

The last blog I frequent is Ella's Playspace. This is ran buy a New England AB who was featured on The Secret Lifes of Women, a show about what else... secret lives of women. It's important to me because I used this blog and her episode of The Secret Lives of Women to explain this side of me to my wife(who was my girlfriend at the time).

There are, of course, many others and I will get into them in later posts.

EDIT: Until I write Part 2 of this post please all check out Baby Mikie's blog!

my first experience

I would like to share a quick story of my first diaper experience. This is the first time I wore a diaper after I was potty trained around age 4. I have a very close and a quite large family. I have 8 aunts and uncles who are all married and I am the second oldest of 30 grand kids, the youngest being 3. This story takes place about 20 years ago when the family was much smaller and more tight-knit.

Since there were so many of us, we would have a big family party once a month to cover all the birthdays. It was at one of these parties that I had my first post potty training diaper experience. Every family party was at my grandparent’s house since it was the biggest but unfortunately they only had two bathrooms for the 30+ of us. As a lot of diaper stories start, I had to pee real bad. I quickly made my way to the first floor bathroom just as the door closed. I turned around and headed up stairs to the second floor bathroom and that was occupied as well.

Not knowing what to do, I went to a bedroom just down the hall and sat there on the bed. I was doing the pee dance while sitting on the corner of the bed. Then I remembered, since there are so many babies in my family and my grandmother watches them often, she keeps a closet full of diapers right across the hall from the room I was sitting in. I scurried out of the room and opened the closet door in search of a diaper. I was met with piles of diapers. Not realizing there were so many different types and sizes, I grabbed the first one I saw. I quickly checked for any adults and ran back into the room shutting the door behind me.

I lied down on the bed and started to diaper up. The diaper didn't quite fit but I managed to hold it in place with my underwear. After I pulled my pants back up I laid there trying to pee. I stared out the window at the rain, thinking to myself, "Come on just let go, just pee." Surprisingly I was able to finally pee my diaper while lying down and realized right away that it wasn't all that bad, and I kind of liked the warmth between my legs.

I was lying there for a bit enjoying my newly soiled diaper when there was a knock at the door. I froze as my uncle opened the door.
"Jim, it's time to go, your parents are leaving."
"I'll be there in a minute," I replied, "I just need to go to the bathroom."
He left and I quickly ran down the hall to the bathroom, ripped my diaper off and stuffed it deep inside the trash basket.

That night didn't get me hooked on them and I wasn't even planning on wearing a diaper again. Little did I know, a couple years later I actually needed to wear diapers on a semi-regular basis.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

diaper boundaries

I get a considerable amount of flak every time I get pulled into a conversation about wearing diapers outside of the comforts of the home. It is simply not my thing. I mean no offense to anyone who wears diapers out in public under their clothes, as long as your not walking around showing your diapers to non-infantilists.

Diapers for me are very personal. Putting on a diaper is a source of comfort and relaxation that I can't find anywhere else. I am not, however, an Adult Baby, an AB to use proper abbreviations. I don't want to be a baby, I don't want to suck a bottle or eat baby food or be treated like a 1 year old. I don't like saying I regress, but my regression age would be 6. That's not quite the age this all started but it's the age at which I discovered diapers for the first time. I'll write more on that subject in a future post.

I greatly enjoy just hanging out playing video games or watching TV, I do like watching kids shows especially late 80's and early 90's shows but their hard to come by. I definitely don't shy away from using my diapers for their intended purpose. Whenever I'm diapered my brain goes into diapered mode and I can freely wet them without thinking sometimes which is almost always cool. The exception to that would be when I'm diapered around my wife. She is fine with me wearing around the house but when I told her about my fetish we made an agreement that she is not to see me in a dirty diaper. I am of course free to do whatever I want when she is out of the house which is perfectly fair and I take advantage of it.

Monday, November 8, 2010

diaper jay

The following is one of my getting caught stories. I was about 17 years old, after getting my license I started buying Depend diapers at the local pharmacy(that’s all they sold and I didn’t know any better). I used to hide them in a draw under my bed which could only open about 6 inches before hitting my desk so I naively thought it would be secure enough. Also, my younger sister didn’t have her own computer at the time so she would frequently use mine which leads me to the meat of the story.

I was out one day when my sister and her friend were in my room using my computer so I don’t know exactly what happened but I heard about it that night at a youth group meeting we attended regularly. I was one of the older people there, that’s not to say I was the only person my age, and my sister(4 years younger) was one of the youngest. She had her group of friends and I had mine but we hung out with a couple of the same people. I heard some snickering coming from her group of friends and I could tell it was directed toward me, and I wasn't just being paranoid, it was obvious they were talking about me. Then the name calling started.

One of our “friends” started making references to pampers and diapers loudly around me, then he started asking me if I needed any or if he could borrow some for his younger brother while all his friends just laughed at it/me. I thought my life was over. I figured everyone knew about my affinity for diapers and that was it. Then they even started bringing people outside to tell them what my sister and her friend found in my room.

Another kid who we were both friends with, was actually sticking up for me saying he didn’t believe it and that they shouldn’t be spreading rumors about me. My own group friends refused to believe it and many of them refused to be told what the rumors even were. They were true friends, and I say “were” because none of us talk anymore sad to say. My sister’s group of friends, one kid in particular, started calling me “Diaper Jay” and he did so for the next couple weeks before he finally lost interest. My ex girlfriend, who I was still friends with at that time, pulled me aside that first night after I left the meeting and said she wanted to talk about it, I told her we could talk later since I was going out with a few people, I never did have that conversation with her and to this day I still wonder what she would have said.

There have been a few instances since that night that it was brought up but I'll save that for another time.

Friday, November 5, 2010

a closet life

So for my first post I feel compelled to explain myself. I am an infantilist, a DL, a diaper lover. If you know what that is great! If you don't, then prepare for some interesting conversations. If you Google infantilism, which I so graciously did for you, you get some interesting results but I would like to give you a site that explains what infantilism means to me by way of personal experiences and stories. So please sit back and enjoy my life as a DL, a closet life, told through the eyes of a 20 something married man and his loving, caring and understanding wife.