I have had a lot of free time on my hands lately. Now when I say "a lot" I mean A LOT! One of the perks of working where I do is that we all but shut down for about 3 weeks around the end of the year. There are still a few office workers holding down the fort for all but Christmas and New Years, but I'm not exactly an office worker so I get to take my vacation time during those 3 weeks. After all this time off I tend to get bored, which brings me to the topic of my ramblings. I started watching the show Dexter on Showtime. If you haven't seen up to the end of the second season of this show then stop reading, there may be spoilers ahead. And if you haven't seen the show I would highly recommend it, it's one of the better shows I've seen in a while.
Now that you are still with me, I wanted to write about this subject because I have been feeling a connection with Dexter since I started watching a week or so ago. Let me start by saying I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER! That is not the connection I feel to him. The connection I feel toward him involves his burdening secret he has to bear. I too feel like I have a secret hidden inside me that wants to leap out. I feel it stirring and churning down in a place that I want never to see the light of day. The secret, as many of you could guess, is my infantilism. I know many of you fully embrace this side of yourself and you wear secretly in public or you have come out to your family and friends and wear openly 24/7, but I don't. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to be a normal boring person with no fetish, no secret life.
This normality I seek is what brings me close to character like Dexter. He, of course, is a serial killer. This is definitely not something that can be brought out into the open without an instantaneous halt to all things related to his desires, not to mention a one way ticket to the electric chair. Yet despite the consequences of outing himself, Dexter decided to come clean during episode 11 of season 2. Throughout the episode he mentions how much of a relief it is to just imagine telling everyone and coming clean. He hasn't even told anyone yet and he is already feeling relief from lifting the burden off his shoulders. I felt that same relief when I told my wife.
The knowledge of who I am wells up inside of me like a backed up toilet on the verge of spilling out. It's strange for me to be out in public sometimes. I feel like I'm out of place just like Dexter has throughout his life. Sometimes, of course, is the important point in all this, I don't always feel like this. I do, however, understand what Dexter is going through. Obviously coming out to my friends and family would not lead to something quite as severe as a electric chair but, I care deeply what others think of me. I really wish I didn't but there isn't much I can do about that, it's how I was made. Being ousted for what I am would destroy some people's visions of me. Even if it didn't, the thought of my parents knowing or my sister, would be a lot to bear.
For this reason, I must stay hidden. I must accept who I am and I must hide it from everyone. I told my wife and even that was hard to do because I desperately want to keep this to myself. Diapers are very personal for me which is why it's hard to wear in front of my wife sometimes. It's why I am self conscious if my diaper crinkles excessively. I will gladly keep this closet life in the closet forever not matter how tough it can be.